I used to be very, very… very polite.
In my first year at my job, I decided to invite my mentor and his wife over for dinner.
“Would you and your wife be willing to come over for dinner? If it’s not too much trouble?”
His response? “You make it sound like coming over for dinner is a terrible thing.”
(They did come over, by the way.)
That moment stuck with me. It taught me an important lesson: Your phrasing matters.
In the workplace—especially in fast-paced environments like tech—being overly polite can sometimes work against you. It can make your requests seem optional, your expertise uncertain, and your urgency unclear.
Let’s talk about a few common phrases that seem polite but can actually hinder effective communication, along with ways to improve them.
1. Politeness vs. Clarity in Requests
Polite version:
“Hey, would you please take a look at this code review when you have time?”
It sounds considerate, but in the context of a high-priority production fix, it doesn’t communicate urgency. The person on the receiving end might assume it’s a low-priority task they can get to later.
Clearer alternative:
“This code review is for a high-priority production fix—could you take a look today?”
This version gets straight to the point while still being polite. It conveys urgency without making it sound optional.
And if they can’t look today, they are much more likely to tell you instead of just not getting to it.
2. Expressing Confidence in Your Answers
Polite version:
“I think this approach should work.”
Saying “I think” might feel like you’re being cautious, but it can also come across as uncertain, leading others to doubt your expertise or seek confirmation elsewhere.
Clearer alternative:
“Based on X, I expect this approach to work, but I’m open to feedback.”
This communicates both confidence and openness to discussion, striking a balance that helps you sound competent and collaborative.
3. Asking for Help Without Undermining Yourself
Polite version:
“No worries if you’re too busy, but could you help with this?”
By adding “no worries,” you might think you’re being considerate, but it can make it too easy for the other person to deprioritize your request.
Clearer alternative:
“I could really use your input on this—would you have time this afternoon?”
This keeps the request polite but makes it clear that their help is genuinely needed.
4. Avoiding Minimizing Language
Polite version:
“I just wanted to check in and see if you had any thoughts.”
The word “just” unintentionally downplays the importance of your follow-up, making it sound less important than it actually is.
Clearer alternative:
“I wanted to follow up on this and see if you have any feedback.”
Dropping filler words like “just” makes your message more direct and professional.
But Isn’t That Just the Way I Talk?
One of the most common pushbacks I hear when I talk about communication tweaks is:
“But that’s just the way I talk!”
And you know what? That’s totally valid. There’s nothing inherently wrong with polite communication. In fact, it can be a strength—it shows empathy, consideration, and warmth, all of which are valuable in any workplace.
The key here isn’t to eliminate politeness; it’s to recognize when it might be getting in the way of clear, effective communication. There are situations where softer phrasing is appropriate—like relationship-building or casual conversations. But when urgency, clarity, or confidence are needed, adjusting your phrasing can make a huge difference in how your message is received.
Think of it as having different tools in your communication toolbox. The goal isn’t to change who you are but to add clarity and assertiveness when the situation calls for it.
Finding the Balance
Politeness and professionalism are important, but effective communication requires clarity, confidence, and urgency when needed. Being too soft in your phrasing can lead to misunderstandings, delays, and even a lack of credibility.
Instead of over-apologizing or hedging, aim for:
- Direct but polite requests
- Confidence in your expertise
- Clear articulation of urgency
Your words shape how others perceive you—make them count.