I’ve gotten pretty good at inviting myself to parties and events—especially the ones I wasn’t originally invited to.

Whenever I overheard an interesting conversation (I’m a fantastic eavesdropper, by the way), I’d casually say, “Oh, can I join?” Usually in a public enough setting that it was hard for them to say no.

I know it might sound a little pushy. But honestly? As a woman in engineering grad school, it was the only way I had a social life.

And when I moved across the country for my first software engineering job, this same approach helped me make friends there too.

You might be wondering—why couldn’t I just make friends naturally?

Well, here’s the thing: I’m a woman in a male-dominated field.

A lot of friendships form through casual “water cooler talk”—those quick, informal chats in the kitchen while grabbing a drink.

But in grad school, I noticed something. The men in my program didn’t naturally include me in those moments. They didn’t think to invite me to things unless I inserted myself.

It wasn’t because they were intentionally excluding me. It’s just that people tend to connect more easily with those they relate to. And I was different.

It’s a subtle but powerful challenge of being in an underrepresented group—so many social opportunities happen organically for others but require deliberate effort for us.

The Challenge of Inclusion

Many workplaces and social circles operate on these informal interactions. The quick chats. The spontaneous lunch plans. The after-work hangouts.

And if you’re not naturally part of those circles, it’s easy to get left out—not necessarily on purpose, but because people gravitate toward what’s familiar.

This unintentional exclusion can make workplaces feel isolating for those who don’t fit the typical mold. And the solution isn’t just on those of us feeling left out to keep pushing our way in.

What Can We Do?

If you care about fostering inclusion, start by noticing who you’re talking to during those casual moments—like in the office kitchen or during coffee breaks.

Who do you automatically include in conversations? Who are you unintentionally leaving out?

Being more intentional in these moments can go a long way. A simple “Hey, want to join us?” or making sure everyone feels welcome can have a bigger impact than you might think.

And if you’re the one feeling left out? Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, even if it feels awkward. Trust me, I’ve been there. But inclusion shouldn’t always be on you to initiate.

The Bottom Line

True inclusion requires stepping outside of our comfort zones. It means making an effort to connect with those who might not naturally be part of the group.

Because trust me—if you’re feeling a little uncomfortable reaching out, we’re already stepping out of our comfort zones just to be here.

So, next time you’re grabbing a drink in the office kitchen, take a moment to notice who’s around. You might just make someone’s day by inviting them in.